I’ve seen many people online reflecting on the “silver lining” of the current situation. It is interesting to hear others talk about what they are learning about themselves, and the new ways people are finding to pass the time. I have many friends who have lost their jobs. All of my concerts for the foreseeable future have been cancelled, but as scary and grim as it is out there right now, I think it is acceptable to see the good as well. Sometimes out of the bad, grows the new and sometimes the new is fresher and better than whatever we were forced to leave behind.

Now that we’ve been sheltering at home for…..how long has it been? I’ve lost track. I’ve gained some interesting perspective about myself.

Here are a few things I’ve learned:

• I’m a busy body by nature but I didn’t realize how exhausted I was just existing in the world. I typically work 6 or 7 days per week and I wasn’t aware what a toll it was taking on my whole system and I’m not just talking about feeling tired or stressed.

• My creativity feels like it has come back to life.

• There is balance in my life, I restrict my work to only 5 days per week.

• I love making music, and going on long walks.

• Not rushing through everything feels like such a simple luxury.

• Devoting time to projects that matter to me now feels essential to my daily routine.

• Having the time to literally stop and smell the roses is a blessing.

This time at home has shifted my priorities and clarified things that I was too busy or stressed to think about, and has given me goals that I want to pursue with clarity when life as “normal” resumes.

Is this the case for anyone else?

Suddenly, without the obligations I feel like I have returned to a state of my truest needs and desires. Does that resonate with anyone else? I keep finding myself thinking “Do I really want to play ~insert random gig~ when life resumes? Do I really want to go through the rat race of hoping to get hired for whatever little thing? Do I want to be anonymous violin player #2,347,000 in Los Angeles or do I want to invest my efforts in forging a new path that is completely my own? Can you guess what my heart keeps whispering? I know this will be a game of courage moving forward. It is always so easy to return to what is comfortable and easy.

To clarify: No, I have no intentions of giving up the violin. I simply feel like my goals and path have come sharply into focus. So what have I been filling my time with these days?

Here are a couple of the things I’ve been up to since the lockdown:

• I created a Wellness Chart to motivate me to move and make music every week. Turns out it is fun and helpful so I made it available to the world at large. You can grab one for yourself here.

*Disclaimer: I count many daily endeavors as movement, like sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, walking the dog, etc. and I also count anything that keeps me creatively engaged as a musician. So yeah, sometimes playing Disney songs really does the trick and sometimes figuring out audio equipment and recording ridiculous mic checks also satisfies this category.

• I realize that I engage with students in a special and unique way so I added a teaching section to my website and am building a catalogue of videos to help students. Check them out and let me know if they’re helpful for you, your kids, you students, or yourself.

• I started a Youtube channel and am less scared to share my playing with the world. This used to scare me tremendously but hell, I’m listening to Brené now and trying to act fearlessly.

*Disclaimer: Right now there are tons of teaching videos on there (see above bullet point) but there will be more performance videos soon.

• Speaking of…the Brené Brown journey was and continues to be quite the wake up call for me and I am not alone. I heard from so many people who could relate and commiserate. Shockingly they weren’t all violinists, or musicians, or even performers. So many of us carry this bulky useless shame baggage around with us and it is so limiting! Not to sound like a broken record or anything but, I am ready to do the work and I think I am at the very beginning of this journey. The current empty space in my life has given me time to investigate, grow, heal, and repeat and it is what I am most thankful for right now.

• Also, I love playing the violin. Practicing things I want to play is so liberating and it feels awesome to dig into the old classics. By classics I mean Vivalidi, Bach, Corelli, etc. I think it might have had something to do with reading books about Stradivarius recently. Also, I used to have so much Bach anxiety. I used to just tear myself apart about my performance, interpretation, intonation, bowing, etc. etc. etc. but it has been so nice to play it because I love it. Especially the Chaccone which I had always avoided because I didn’t want to “ruin” it. Now I am finally realizing that there is no ruining something that brings so much joy to my life (this is related to my Brené learning curve I think).

• I’ve set up my home recording “studio” thanks to the help of some dear friends (let’s call it how it is Matt Irwin and Alex Rose - you guys are the best teachers a violinist could ask for) who know much more about microphones etc. than I do. This is something I avoid for too long but thanks to Martin Chalifour, asking me to record with him recently, I was forced to figure this out sooner rather than later. Some of my anxiety has subsided and I can do a not stellar job, but at least I can do it. Now I just keep staring at the equipment and thinking of things I want and need to record.

• I’ve spent some much needed time on corpSonore organizing materials, expanding our community, and planning for the future and how we will grow. Now that I have the time to work on it, I want to commit ALL my time to it. I was never a person who considered herself good at sales, or interested in pitching things to you, or talking your ear off about products and features, but I swear if you get stuck in the elevator with me I will pitch you so hard on this. My passion for this has reprioritized what I want to do when lock down is over. Read this as your call to action, to join this community and the growth that I am determined to make happen.

• I have dived further into the GDR composer research and since writing my last post about it have written emails to people I never thought I’d be qualified enough to be taken seriously AND THEY WROTE BACK…AND THEY HELPED ME!!!! I can’t believe it. In my next post I will share some of the names of female composers from the GDR I have discovered and desperately need help finding the musical scores from their life. I can find absolutely nothing more about them and this feels strange. This project has turned into such a treasure hunt.

• Finally, I’m working on a collaboration with my beautifully talented friend Meghan Irwin, the illustrator who keeps everything Active Violinist more beautiful than I could ever hope or imagine. This is a project I’ve been thinking and dreaming of for five years and finally I have the mental space to move it along.

Conclusion:

It turns out I like spending time at home. It has forced me to figure out some things I’ve been avoiding, and has allowed me the time and space to explore things I really love. It has also given me the time to think and pursue my creative ideas, and the verve and passion to forge a path for corpSonore.

I I am grateful for the continued work with the LA Phil and my students. I love exploring Los Angeles, and I think I needed this forced time out to get a hold of my priorities.

But honestly, I want to know - do you feel the same about your time sheltering at home or has your experience been different? What is your unexpected silver lining?